... but it's okay. I ought to make time for this because I want to "document" certain things that should not be forgotten.
For the past weeks, a lot of things have been happening.
I am actually sleeping more nights than I am having insomnia. I also feel strangely equipped to deal with what life throws at me, not in the way that I might have all of life's answers or in the sense of resiliency, more in the sense that even the more trying events in my life can be seen with a calm, logical mind, not confused with strong emotions, one way or another. 
If is not a "stoned, comfortably numb" feeling. It is more of a "let’s not rush to getting too emotional about this" kind of mood. Yet it seems that I am oddly disconnected from my negative emotions, even if I feel that I am having my pseudo-midlife crisis. Maybe because those emotions are so familiar to me. Let me clarify, I do not feel kooky-strange, just comfortable with everything as it is, with little judgment about anything. Even when I am disappointed with previous actions done last October, I feel oddly forgiving of myself. It seems important, somehow, that I did have that one not-so-good decision that I have made, but I don't feel like annihilating myself for that poor choice. Something good still came out of it and at the same time, it has finally ended a chapter that should have ended a long time ago. It is about time that I listen to what my mom, D, and my heart have been telling me. Kaya nga – FOLLOW YOUR HEART. I strongly believe that God is leading me to where He wants to be. Where is that? I don't know yet, but definitely He did want me out of this particular place, as if telling me, "Well you made a mistake of going back, little girl. Since you cannot do it, let me do it for you".
Other things that have frustrated me or annoyed me in the not-so-past seem to be forgive-able already, but I cannot put myself back on a level wherein I would trust certain people again. It is true -- evil disguises itself in beautiful things – or people. There are people who have gotten me infuriated beyond description when I chose to stand up for myself and not what they wanted, though not telling me directly, but it was pretty obvious what they wanted. But hey, as long as I know that I am right and as long as you are not feeding me and providing for me, I will not take shit from you. While I have no desire whatsoever to reconnect with these people as I already know what their true colors now, I still feel like forgiving them and understanding their plights. Other aspects of the past that I had, up to now, been unable to overlook seem petty and incomparable silly as far as holding a grudge.
I so suck at workplace politics.
Lesson Learned: Do not trust anybody. I know this already, but I always forget.
You probably won't understand until you're there. Despite all the BS that I heard and all that shiteness that I've been through, I still believe that people are naturally good and I would still like to think that they mean well. Despite how much mom and D were trying to protect me from this, it is something that I have to go through. It had to happen.
Laughing, I tell you to come and get my apology and forgiveness while you can – there is no telling when I'll have the drugs pulled out from underneath me. Play on words, okay! If you don't get it... Erm, nevermind.
At least I do not feel dark anymore. I was really getting tired of that shit. It is time. I have served my purpose. It is now time to find that new life in a place where I would be appreciated and would see myself growing, learning, and enjoying.
Just thoughts, touching base with the rest of the world.
In the storms of our lives... take care, take care, take care.
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